5 Ways to Make Me Hate (Texting) You

This blog is called “Here Are Things I Like” because I like an awful lot of things and want to share those things with everyone else. That being said, I am incredibly spiteful. So to let some of that steam off I’m going to do a series more appropriate for a blog called “Here Are Things I Hate.”

Here are five ways to insure that I will hate texting you… By the way, if you know me and think something here is referring to you, it totally isn’t. This is referring to other people. Never you. Don’t worry.

#1 Replying with one word

This one is obvious. This makes everyone annoyed, but more so back in the day when people actually paid per text and it was 10 cents per isolated smiley face. FYI, I text people too much. That’s a fact. The response to this is often disinterested and composed of a single syllable. Should I cut back? Yes. But you know what, “LOL” is not appropriate in every situation! I understand that you’re trying to signal you are done with the conversation… but I also know I have had basically the exact following conversation and that is not okay:

YES this image is fake

Plus I really like to think I’m funny. Don’t respond with your fake laughter and give me that positive feedback if you don’t want my hilarity to improve. When “lol” doesn’t mean anything any more, there is something wrong with society. I know certain people where “lol” means nothing and “haha” is equally worthless, but if it’s “haha!” or “hahahahaha” they really do find me amusing. I personally feel obligated to use “lol” after ordinary sentences to convey a jokey tone of voice, so my texts aren’t quite so cold. I’m a sarcastic person and without the addition of “lol” a lot of people on my contact list would probably be crying a lot more. But never would I use it by itself! Except to prove a point, actually. Which I’ve also done.

“Kk” also drives me nuts. I couldn’t tell you why. If someone said “Okay” to me I’d be like cool, they’re done with this, good to know. But if you say “kk” to me you might as well slap me right in the face. Same applies to just sending an emoticon, especially if it’s a sad face. If you think whatever I said is deserving of a sad face, don’t I deserve more consolation than said sad face?!

#2 Texting out of the blue because you clearly want something from me

I’m on to you! We never talk, or you’ve shot me several “kk” texts, but now you’re all friendly!

No, I can't make it look less fake. I'm not the Pentagon

I’m sure we all have those people who, when they say jump, we ask “How high?” Texting has brought a whole new dimension to these relationships. The other person doesn’t even have to call and hear your dumb dopey voice! They can send you commands at the touch of a button with minimal interaction. I’m waiting for the day when even the pleasantries are dispersed of and I just get texts saying “DO. NOW.”

#3 Starting a conversation you have no intention of finishing

This is a holdover from IMing days, when you’d go through the cursory “hey!” “hey, what’s up?” “Not much, you?” “Not much” and then both of you would realize you had nothing else to say to each other. It also goes hand-in-hand with those Facebook status posts mentioning how much the poster hates his or her (let’s be real, it’s probably a her) life and then when someone asks what’s wrong, the poster replies “I don’t want to talk about it” or more realistically “i dun wan tlk bout it :(” If you didn’t want to talk about it, you probably shouldn’t have told a social networking site where the entire purpose is to be nosey and we have a social stalking feed integrated into our social stalking feed. So now I get texts saying “ughhh I’m having the worst day!” and, being a caring individual, I reply to ask what’s wrong and then… nothing. No response.

Maybe the secret to life is sharks

Now, I understand the great thing about cell phones is that you can take them with you, put them down, whatever. Maybe that person is busy so they can’t reply. But then later I’ll text again with some relevant piece of news and get the response “Lol.” CLEARLY YOU HAVE YOUR PHONE ON YOU. You are a conversational tease and I don’t appreciate it. Just tell me what you were going to tell me, there is nothing worse than knowing there is important/interesting information but not knowing what it is!

#4 People who unload on you but don’t respond to the same

This is semi-related to #3, but deserves its own category. These are people who don’t continue the conversation only if you are the one to initiate. They’ll ignore several important texts, but then when they’ve got something going on they immediately text you. With the advent of threaded texting, don’t people feel shame? You can see I said three important things to you that you have ignored, it’s all right there in the window you are currently typing your message in… be more like the people in #2 and at least pretend to be interested in my drama before unloading your own on me.

Looking up whether drive-by had a hyphen made me miss playing Grand Theft Auto

I’m an acceptable listener. Probably at least 50% of the time you’re talking, I’m thinking about myself and what I’m going to say next, but I will always provide what I believe to be sound advice based on an almost completed psychology degree and I will make appropriate head movements to indicate my interest. Through text, you can’t tell how good I am at acting interested in your problem, but you do get my responses with my excellent advice. So why can you not return the favor? You monster.

This problem is especially frustrating through text because it’s basically equivalent to a hit and run or a drive-by. When it happens in person, that person is generally still stuck with you and so if you tell them your problems they are forced to listen. Through text they can send their issue, receive your response and peace out with no further obligations.

#5 Refusing to take a hint

It may surprise you to know that, although I sound like a stage 5 clinger when it comes to texting, there are times when I am annoyed that you are contacting me. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, let me clarify – just texting me doesn’t bother me. But if you text me like 80 times within a short time frame, and all the texts are super long, I am sorry… I don’t want to do this to you but… the response you probably get will be “Lol.” I honestly don’t know what else to say to you. Once this has happened a few times, put the pieces together pal. We are not having a conversation. You are mauling me with words.

Sometimes "Lol" is the only tool you have

All of the above issues only become true reasons for hate if you are a repeat offender. Occasionally I forget a text or my reply is less than stellar. But I try not to make a habit of it.

If you have anything you think I missed, feel free to leave it in the comments or tweet me @emhig.