Everyone on the planet loves Adele. That is a fact. Schmidt in New Girl said it best when addressing Cece saying that she loves The Phantom Tollbooth: “Of course you do, you’re a human being.” Not so deep down, we are all hoping that Adele’s new boyfriend is just as terrible as her previous ones because we want another heartbreaking CD out of it. If you have never driven in your car after a terrible day crying along to “Someone Like You” then you are probably a robot with no emotions. When Adele made an acceptance speech at the Brits and got cut off, people actually complained that she didn’t get to finish what she was saying. When in the history of the world have people complained that someone accepting an award was kicked off stage too early? Never, but Adele brings out new facets of ourselves we never even knew existed.
A couple months ago, my grandma said that another woman at her independent living facility had played her an Adele CD and asked if I knew who that was. Apparently between puzzles and games of bridge, her neighbors like to trade music around like a live-action geriatric Pirate Bay. She wanted to know if I could get her more music to show off how tapped in she was with the young people these days. I burned her copies of both of Adele’s albums (which I legally own thank you very much) and went with her to a local CD store to buy some new stuff. She settled on Amy Winehouse’s classic Back to Black and rejected the store owner’s recommendations of artists more from her own time. After that, whenever I went over to my grandma’s place she was listening to Adele, with the occasional bout of Amy, and reading the album notes. My poor grandma has only recently discovered that Amy died and left me a long voicemail detailing a PBS special she saw where Amy sang a tribute for someone and “Drew Pinsky keeps talking about all these drugs I don’t even know about.” I actually had no idea that was Dr. Drew because I didn’t know he had a last name. I finally asked who Drew Pinsky was and why he keeps talking to her about Amy Winehouse and learned the truth. My grandma now likes to go through the liner notes of Back to Black and try to pinpoint where things went wrong. I think she is slightly disappointed that Adele seems so put together because she cannot use her overdose detective skills.
I thought this was all fantastic, my grandma is trying to keep active, keep up with current trends. But then she told me why she really likes the musical stylings of Adele and Amy Winehouse. Apparently, “their sadness isn’t my sadness so it’s fine!” They have the style of older singers, but their songs are fresh and not ones my grandma knows so they do not remind her of her late husband. This may sound touching to you, but you have not met my grandma. I have brought her tons of new albums of various female artists I enjoy, but none of them are depressing enough for her so they have all been rejected. I have no doubt in my mind that she is sitting in her apartment at this very moment, reading 21‘s liner notes and cackling away at Adele’s boyfriend troubles.
So Adele, I am sorry, because if anything happens with your new boyfriend it probably means my grandmother has tapped into the dark arts. We all knew it was only a matter of time. I need to go call her back to talk about the PBS special so that she doesn’t do the same thing to me.