Everyone wants to work at Chelsea Lately. That was made very clear in a soul-crushing monologue Chelsea Handler did a couple weeks ago where she mentioned that they don’t have any jobs available because no one ever leaves. I can’t blame them… it seems like an ideal work environment.

My dream job
When I met Chelsea Handler at a book signing last summer, my dad came along. I had just gotten off work and was taking the train every day so he was kind enough to pick me up and drive me to Outwrite Bookstore & Coffeehouse – which, if you couldn’t guess, is a gay bookstore. I think Lance Bass signed books there once. It has since closed, probably because finding parking there was terrible and not because of Lance.
My dad hung out in line and was doing an acceptable job of not embarrassing me until he insisted I give Chelsea my PRSSA business card. I balked at the idea because Chelsea clearly must get zillions of interested weirdos and I didn’t want to be added to the list of individuals who are deluded enough to think Chelsea actually wants to be their pal. However, my dad made a good case: give her the card or when I got to the front of the line he’d do something so embarrassing that I might never recover. He might not have really gone through with this threat but I wasn’t taking any chances. I figured I’d slip her the card with a suave mumble and be on my way.
I watched chumps try to give her bottles of vodka and get politely rebuffed. Her patience astounded me because number one, she probably has a lifetime supply since she is the face of Belvedere, and number two I’m pretty sure every bottle offered to her had a roofie in it. Can you say “a roofie”? That seems odd when it’s singular. Or is it only a verb? Anyway. When we finally made it to the front, I shoved the card at her, mumbled something incoherent (just like I’d planned!) and she politely thanked me and handed it off to someone else.

SUCCESS
Chelsea, let me assure you, that was not the best impression I’ve ever made on a person. I am hoping we can overcome that initial awkward meeting, and here are a few reasons why….
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Tags: after lately, brad wollack, chelsea handler, chelsea lately, chris franjola, chuy, comedy, heather mcdonald, humor, jen kirkman, josh wolf, ross mathews, sarah colonna, television, tv